A holiday helped me finally let go of my parents’ toxic marriage

Krishna Raj delivers his hard-hitting truths alongside endearing idioms. “The further you look into the future with fear, the more you’re missing out on the present,” he says. “What will set you free is a rock-solid intention to heal your suffering. We all have skeletons in the closet. It’s best to let them tumble out.” I sink into my chair in his shaded office. I’m hours into my week-long Embracing Change programme and decades of painful inner turmoil are starting to make sense. I reach for the box of tissues.

Here at Kamalaya, a luxury wellbeing retreat located on an undisturbed patch of southern Koh Samui, Thailand, Krishna Raj isn’t just a former monk with a masters in Psychology, but a “life enhancement mentor”. He’s here to give me the resources and wisdom to release my emotional blockages (I have many) and give me freedom from unhelpful patterns of thought and behaviour (I have even more). “We can’t prevent suffering, but we can address it,” he says, nodding sagely. “And the sooner the better.”

Embracing Change is designed to do that. The programme, which launched just before Covid and has since swelled in popularity as we process the aftermath of the last two years, is for those who’ve experienced huge change and suffering – for example, grief and separation (Stewarts, a British law firm, saw a 122 per cent increase in divorce enquiries between July and October 2020, compared to the same period pre pandemic). But it’s also for those who are wanting to seek out positive change by addressing the destructive thought patterns they’ve become used to. That’ll be me.

Psychological suffering

While much of the programme is based around lovely relaxing spa treatments and free time to sunbathe, steam room and practise your sun salutations in open-air yoga pavilions, the rest is talking sessions with your mentor. As a nation we’re coming round to opening up more: a 2021 YouGov survey showed 85 per cent of British people agree it’s a “good idea to seek counselling or psychotherapy for a problem before it gets out of hand”. I’m one of them. I’ve had a lot of therapy, but not enjoyed a second of it. Thankfully, this is very different.

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Kamalaya, the luxury wellbeing retreat where Hannah stayed


Credit: Hannah Summers

Back in session one, Raj sits cross legged on his chair, gently coaxing my life out of me and nodding along encouragingly as I speak. Then, with a series of pregnant pauses that I suspect are the result of his 21 years of monastic life, he gives me an insightful run through of his thoughts. Suffering in life can apparently take many forms, from physical suffering, like living in lockdown, to psychological suffering: what Raj describes as a “more subtle and often more damaging form of suffering that’s the internal experience of how you perceive a situation in life”.

My parents’ marriage

For me there’s one bit of suffering that cuts deeper than the rest: my parents’ short and toxic marriage, and me navigating years of fall out afterwards as a child, leading to estrangement from my mum as a teenager. It’s become a negative reference point for how I live my life – even decades later. Common? Yes. Healthy? Definitely not. The result, for me, is a deep-rooted fear of history repeating itself. 

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You get time to enjoy lovely relaxing spa treatments and practise your sun salutations in open-air yoga pavilions


Credit: Hannah Summers

Raj helps me explore that emotional trauma. “Try looking at this from a place of wisdom, with a compassionate perspective, and not from a place of fear,” he tells me. “Treat yourself and your relationships – your husband, your children if you have them – as a separate chapter and not a continuation of what’s happened in your childhood. By being gripped by a fear of becoming that, you are putting too much energy into it. It means you’re missing out on so many beautiful things around you.” 

He’s right: when I look back at my life it’s been wrapped up in a paralysing and destructive fear of the future going cataclysmically wrong. My colourful present is so often darkened by a future that doesn’t yet exist. With a mantra of “feel life’s potential” Kamalaya has positioned itself as the place to start a new journey of appreciation.

A safe place to feel vulnerable

Although it’s very much a wellbeing retreat, it’s also a safe space to feel vulnerable – and a very pretty one at that. Coconut trees stretch skywards and fluro-pink bougainvillaea drapes over a series of steep pathways that lead down to a peaceful stretch of sand.  

Meditation spots – from a huge boulder on the beach to an ancient meditation cave used by Buddhist monks for over 300 years (the reason for the resort’s location) – dot the site. Guests waft around in expensive kaftans and oversized sun hats. Warm plunge pools scatter the silent Wellness Centre and are the perfect place to wallow with a lemongrass tea while watching the sunset. There’s a beautiful island beyond the walls, but I suspect nobody goes out to see it. 

Instead, much of my time, and theirs, is spent with practitioners delivering treatments that on the face of it are stress-soothing massages, but actually blend Eastern and Western philosophies to give bigger results, like unblocking us emotionally. 

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Kamalaya, a luxury wellbeing retreat located on an undisturbed patch of southern Koh Samui, Thailand

One day I spend 90 minutes dozing through an Indian Head massage, in which Ayurvedic techniques release emotional and physical tension in my body and help create mental clarity. On another, I lay back in a sunlight-filled room to try the Tree Treasures treatment which combines Tui Na massage, Reiki and crystal healing to balance my mind, body and emotions to create a feeling of peace and what’s described as “integral alignment”. 

In the steam room, which is cut into the hillside rocks, I gather stories on the fascinating guests, who include German real estate moguls, American models and Italian opera singers. Many are solo travellers, some even staying a month or longer. Others are here for a week or two, recovering from burnout, delving deep into insomnia issues or cleansing their gut with a detox – one of the most popular programmes here. For them, food is stripped of the stuff that makes it most delicious. They wince down fluro-green detox shots at breakfast and navigate dishes called ‘cauliflower textures’. For other guests, like myself, there’s a wholesome menu featuring dahl and mung bean pasta lasagne. I don’t see a single beer on a table or at the beach, although there’s plenty of organic wine being guzzled. 

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Hannah experienced cupping to release some of her emotional stress


Credit: Hannah Summers

It all comes together to bring you that all important mind body balance. On another day I meet Leila for a Bach Flower Consultation. After a cathartic 90-minute chat I’m given a concoction of seven out of 38 essences that Dr Bach, of Rescue Remedy fame, matched with particular emotions back in the 1900s. Honeysuckle is suggested to help me let go of the past, and white chestnut for overthinking. They’re bottled up to pipette into my water bottle, and the list of essences is given to me to buy when I get home.

For three of my seven days I see Bernie, the resident acupuncturist who’s tasked himself with the big job of “getting you out of your head, lady”. With a series of pulse checks, tongue examinations and leg strokes, he states that my liver is invading my spleen, causing overthinking and overanalyzing. “Why though? How though?” I ask, confirming his findings. 

He spends part of his time pushing ultra-thin needles into my legs, back and chest, and the rest of the time “cupping”. Smothering me with Tiger Balm he uses what looks like small glass jars to suck my back fat into the vessel, releasing it minutes later with a loud “pop” and leaving me with dark circles on my shoulders.

‘If you want to shout, SHOUT!’

My favourite bit, though, aside from hanging on Raj’s every wise word, is my time with Asha for Shirodhara therapy. In a darkened room, she gently frees my birds’ nest bun and lays me on a bed and positions a brass bowl above my head. For 30 minutes, warm medicated oil pours out of it and onto my forehead, flowing down the sides of my face to relieve tension and balance my nervous system. 

I feel most relaxed in her company, but I sense some concern. She looks at me seriously as she wraps me up in a sarong at the end. “Your heart is blocked and your emotions suppressed,” she tells me. “Go back to your room and shut the door. If you want to cry, cry! If you want to shout, SHOUT!” I choose both.

The next day I meet Raj for another session. While what’s felt most useful for me is Raj’s wise perspective on my fractured mind – I have pages and pages of his thoughts scrawled in a notebook, later typed up to stick on my wall – what makes up about a third of his sessions is guided meditation, tailored specifically to the trauma or woes shared that day. Although I’ve tried meditation apps, which Raj says are a helpful start point for clearing the mind, his sessions go much deeper. Two decades of living as a monk and a meditation teacher in India will do that.

“Meditation is ultimately strengthening our ability to self-introspect,” he explains. “It allows us to pay attention to our emotions and not be a detached observer.” 

“Psychological suffering is hard to address – it’s where meditation becomes important,” he continues. “Step back and look at your mind and the stories you’re weaving into it. Your future does not equal your past. Meditation can help you break that obsessive cycle.”

It doesn’t come easily, or naturally. But it does come. Slowly. For 20 minutes during every session I’m expertly guided by Raj to access the memories and feelings suppressed in my subconscious. 

The verdict

Unexpectedly – and I cannot stress how sceptical I felt taking on a programme like this – for the first time in my life I understand what’s been playing out in my head, and I notice that I don’t look on to the future fearfully, something that’s never existed for me before. It’s a seismic shift that feels unbelievably liberating, and most importantly, continues when I get home. I owe Raj so much.

Raj is right: my past suffering doesn’t have to be my future reality. I shut the door on our last session with a very clear, very strong thought, and a cheesy line I really never thought I’d say: I choose to free myself. I choose to live my beautiful life.


How to do it

Healing Holidays (020 3372 6945; healingholidays.com) offers a seven-night Embracing Change programme at Kamalaya Koh Samui from £3,849 per person sharing, including flights, transfers, full board accommodation and inclusions of the programme. Follow-up sessions with Life Enhancement Mentors can be booked at kamalayaconnect.com. Read the full hotel review here, plus our guide to the best hotels in Thailand.

Visitors must show proof of full vaccination, or a negative PCR test taken no more than 72 hours before departure, or proof of recovery. See fco.gov.uk for more information.

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